Wednesday, November 4th, 2009
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1:55 pm - Time
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Its strange to come to the realization of how time changes as you get older. It passes by in an entirely different way all together. This Friday will mark me and Jo's 10th month anniversary. WOW! 10 months is crazy! Almost a year- and I couldn't be happier.
We fight, don't get me wrong; I mean Jesus do we fight! But we've been able to get through it and most importantly you learn how to let go. The other night we had a huge fight about her ex (which I bring up admmitedly) and I just walked up to her in the bathroom after her shower and kissed her forehead and was like "i'm sorry baby." And that was it. We didn't need to analize it for hours it was just done. We were both genuine in our apologies, and we were able to joke about it.
We later played with the puppies- who are growing up soo fast! Little bella is almost 2 pounds now; she was 1.4 when we got her. LOL She thinks she's the shit, she comes running into a room and hopping all of her 2 inches off the ground.
 
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Wednesday, September 30th, 2009
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6:09 pm
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Monday, August 17th, 2009
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10:22 am - NEW NEW NEW
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I've just had a Zuccini muffin; and despite not wanting to eat and enjoy it (because my brain is telling me no amounts of sugar will make a proper muffin out of zuccini) I actually did. I had to remind myself with each bite I took that it smelled like a muffin and looked like a muffin so I was going to pretend it was a regular muffin.
i'm glad I did. That being said- althought its late in the summer, the summer is yet to be over and I'm going to indulge in my little explorations.
current mood:  curious
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Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
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8:52 am - Updates
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I've realized that I have begun to fail horribly at updating. But I am here for an update; and a request. I need lots of good energy to go towards my fiance right now. She has Sepsis; which those of you who aren't medical should know that sepsis is basically blood poisoning. This is extremely dangerous, because if the blood 'infection' reaches your heart your done.
So two things need to be done. Hemodialisis (again) and hope there will be no massive seizure this time, and two. Her kidney has got to go. That fucker is poisoning her body and needs to come out. The big fear and set back is whether or not her other kidney will continue to work ok, once the offending one is out. Because if something happens during an operation, they can't have a 'stand by kidney' to pop in just in case, and they can't put the bad one back in. And if the good one doesn't work.... Well that's it. she's on the list to recieve a donor kidney but isn't at the top- and my blood type isn't available for me to give her mines.
So I do the only thing I can do. Pray.  <-- How i feel
current mood:  gloomy
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Wednesday, April 29th, 2009
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6:04 pm - Loving Memory
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My grams died on Earth day.... One minute I'm telling my fiance "happy earth day" then next my world is crashing...
Although I've thought of doing things that shouldn't be done- I know I have to hang on. I have to stand up and be ok, and go somewhere with my life. My grams did the best she could with me, and loved me so unconditionally even if she didn't always express it in the most consistant way.
She kept her promise and stayed true to her word. She hung in there, until I was taken care of. I think she chose my gf for me. I think now its up to me to take care of her and her to take care of me; she asked about her frequently.
I miss you grams.
current mood:  sad
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Monday, April 20th, 2009
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5:29 pm - A walk to remeber.
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I hate that movie. I hate it with such a passion because it makes me very sad.
when I first started going out with my now Fiance (yes, I proposed)- she wanted me to see it soo badly. I didn' t know it was because she has a whole list of things which on their own could be potentially fatal, nevermind put together. She takes medication for severe asthma, seizures, she has migranes, and now one of her Kidney's is in Renal failure...
An option she has is dialisis, but its so painful, and she's not sure if she's strong enough to go through it... So what does that mean? Well, if she does it and it works great! But she's going to have to do it for the rest of her life; which is ok... I think... At least she'll be alive. If she does it and it doesn't work, she'll need a transplant- although the thought scares me more than anything in the universe... I offered her one of mine. You only really need one, and I want her by my side always. I already told her I want to go with her to her next appointment so they can start doing testing on me to see if I can donate.
If not then she has to go on a donor list... I hate those things; because unless you know somone, it really just is fate that gets you one... Of course, the last option is that she doesn't do anything. She would just keep being on meds that would help stablize her pain, but wouldn't fix the problem until her Kidney's just fail....
She told me she wanted me to see the movie, because she felt most connected to it. She's always been on this accelerated path to life; wanting to have kids a year after graduation because she's afraide she won't live long enough to get to... I of course am a mess. I finally find someone who is soo good to me, and for me and understanding and actually returns my affection and they might go away... permenantly. I don't know which god to pray to, or what type of offering to make to plead my case. Let her live- not only for me, but for herself. I mean, Jesus F Christ, she's only 22! How can a person SO young have so many problems?!
I don't know.... Sometimes I forget she's sick. Other times, I see her jerk in pain as her back spasms because her Kidney's hurt and I see the swelling on her sides and arms. I don't know what to do.
current mood: sad
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Friday, April 17th, 2009
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3:59 pm - Bitch
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How is it you crossed the line; yet you have a decision to make?
That you want to have space but you contact my wife with messages for her to give to me?
That you insulted someone who you put between us to try and feel worth while, only after they dumped you-
and then did one up worse than they did?
How could you be so judgemental when there's no comparision to how much of a bigger shit you are?
How could I have promised you my future; when our friendship was based on lies?
I not only hope that your husband dumps you for the little shit that you are- but I hope youf next boyfriend punches you in your face and grins about how you deseve it.
current mood: crushed
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Thursday, April 16th, 2009
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6:01 pm - Random
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Thursday, March 26th, 2009
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7:23 pm - 25 years ago
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Tuesday, February 24th, 2009
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5:14 pm - Goodness
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I've really been enjoying life lately.
I've lost weight, thanks to my gf feeding me breakfast lunch and dinner. Fast food has pretty much been knocked out of my diet- thought I get a craving here and there.
We're doing good... I can't believe that next week we're going to be going out for a month. That's crazy, heh. We're still learning how to communicate with each other and our fears, weaknesses and pet peeves.
Getting ready for my virginia trip with my brother, his bf, my gf and me duh. :) yaya.
Also Turn 26 on March 9th. eeeeek
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Monday, February 23rd, 2009
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12:25 pm - Fears
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Things that are scary:
Dependence, no matter how slight.
Watching someone you care about having an asthma attack, not only being able to do nothing but fuck up the medicine cabinet trying to find the pump that actually has medicine in it, and feeling responsable for the attack itself.
Reacting to my girlfriend having a bit much to drink as if she were my grandmother, and having my feelings intensify to the point where i have to leave the room in order feel like I can breathe and won't freak out.
Sitting on the couch, trying to act like I'm fine when its so obvious to my girl why I'm not.
The idea of moving forward in a way and living my life... What's going to happen to my grams when I leave and can't take care of her?
The thought of possibly taking a trip to DR on a plane.
The thought of missing out on taking a trip to DR on a plane.
Other than that, things have been going really well. There's this strange way my girl and I communicate when we argue; the air definitantly gets thick but we always seem to talk through it.. Its strange because she'll get quiet because she's thinking and I go quiet because I'm worrying- but I've taken great strides to talk to her about things I fear instead of picking a fight or something. Also on a side note: this add makes me think of my friend. 
current mood:  pensive
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Sunday, February 15th, 2009
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1:20 pm - V day
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I had the most absolutely fabulous valentines day with my babes yesterday. First, we went to Karaoke with my brother and his bf- so I could make some introductions and get some feedback. Daniel is definitely won over, and Taquan is smitten as well so all is good.
It was a lot of fun, and the best parts were acting silly in the car and when that bitch, Daniel threw out half my fucking sandwich and then had the nerve to be like "don't worry jesus loves you. And he'll make you a new sandwich.' heh that hoe.
So I'm just thinking now and getting ready to go to some surprise undisclosed locations and shhh.... Don't tell my PC I'm using a mac. So far its been a week we've been dating. :) I'm happy. Still taking things slow in my own way.
This is me now: !["Photobucket"]("http://i119.photobucket.com/albums/o144/g4everbard/Icons/thgirsnuggle.gif")
current mood:  happy
current music: Spanish songs from Josie's ipod
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Friday, February 13th, 2009
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2:46 pm - Re: Chris brown
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Apparently on his official facebook page he said 'don't worry you'll see her true colors about rhianna'. Well this is my reply: I'm sure we'll all see her true colors when her bruises fade, and I wonder what your stepfather thought your mother's true colors were when he used to beat the shit out of her.
She must be so ashamed of your right now. If I were you i'd kill myself; your carreer is over, you'll never get another gf, you've shamed your family and your fans, and if you don't kill youself you can be damned sure that Jay-Z will. Your a bitch in the truest sense of the word.
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Thursday, February 12th, 2009
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2:48 pm
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Tuesday, February 10th, 2009
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5:50 pm - Date 2
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So, she did end up coming to pick me up- and we had a wonderful dat, which turned into a date.
I had a good time, and was treated really well, which on that level has happened not so many times. :D
Lets see what happens.
current mood: happy
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Friday, February 6th, 2009
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6:06 pm - nerved
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So, I'm nervous because I have a Dat today. If anyone has ever seen Dawsons creek they'll get the refrence. Its not a date fully so its called a dat. I don't know that I'm ready for the whole date scene and on top of that I'm still getting to know her as a friend.
But I'm nervous because I'm all like 'what if she doesn't show up' or what if she meets me and changes her life; hopefully shell just be honest, after all I do need more friends. Ill finish this later lj on blackberry is weird.
current mood:  nervous
current music: 103.5
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Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009
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4:18 pm - ugh ex's they fucking blow
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So apparently 4+ years of being broken up and still I react emotionally when I hear about my ex's drunken reckless partying. Maybe because I'm bitter because time after time we argued about how fucking irresponsable they were when it came to partys- but when I mix cocktails on my 22nd birthday its 'oh you need to learn how to drink responsably' uh...
Can you say Hypocrite much? This coming from the woman who bragged about getting so stoned the first time she did pot off a homemade bong and got drunk and was soldier crawling through her dorms? Or the STUPID speech about how 5 drunk girls walking home is safer than one. Oh fucking year; because 5 girls running around into eachother when a fucking molester jumps out is really going to be safe.
So- thankfully certain sites have the 'remove from friends' because really- I don't need to be thinking about the implications of the phrase 'immune to Valium' and 'party' followed by 'hard alcohol ugh'. And vet with access to valium. mm hu. Doesn't matter- I don't want to repeat old cycles that start with intence emotions and sometimes (when lucky) end up in misunderstanding.
current mood:  angry
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1:55 pm - RUN RUN RUN
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Monday, February 2nd, 2009
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10:46 am - Pensive
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Ok, now I feel weird cause I would try to cheer someone up at a funeral... Is that not normal or something?
(BTW Never been to a funeral)
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Friday, January 30th, 2009
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6:20 pm
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www.youtube.com/watch
Have to see it. ... Reminds me of my ex; sometimes no matter how hard you try, and how high you climb and hang on to them when they have too many problems to keep themselves together the thanks you get is a goodbye and everything you did counted for nothing. Your just standing on top of a mountain alone.
( Lyrics )
current music: Moving Mountains- Usher
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g4everbard6's journal
This is how I feel
but she's cuter lol
<-- me this morning.
<--- me now
tired